2010: A Review

2010 has been a year of ups and downs. So many great things have happened. However, there have also been many struggles. I'm looking foward to 2011 not to start over and erase 2010, but just because I know 2011 will hold bigger and better things for me. I have no doubt that I will graduate in 2011. With this comes so many opportunities. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me. But for now, a review of 2011.

January: I started my sixth semester of college. That semester was probably one of the hardest and trying times of my life because of my French class. I struggled a lot this month trying to find out how I was supposed to make it through French, as well as maintain a real life outside of class.

February: This is the month that I got to teach my first full lesson to a classroom. It completely solidified my desire to be a teacher. It was very wonderful to completely feel like my life was on the right track.

March: I started guitar in March. After 8 months of lessons I quit because I don't have money for it. But guitar is wonderful. I felt so relaxed while getting to play. It was a really wonderful feeling. Music is definitely important to me.

April: I don't really remember April too well. I don't think anything to exciting happened then. However, this was around the time that Lucas started thinking about going to OSU. That was a really rough patch for me.

May: I finished my French class with a B. I can't even describe what a wonderful feeling that was.

June: This month I wrote a bucket list. It was something I had been wanting to do for a long time and I finally sat down and did it. I also completed a few things on it. Thanks to my awesome boyfriend. Number 28, shoot a bow and arrow:

July: I got to take one of the most awesome family vacations ever. My parents, my sister, Lucas, and I loaded up in the van and drove all the way to Las Vegas, stopping at the Grand Canyon and the Hoover Dam. It was an awesome trip and I thoroughly enjoyed it all. Lucas and I at the Grand Canyon:

August: I started my last normal fall semester. My next fall semester I'll be student teaching so I don't really count that. Lucas also moved to Stillwater. This was extremely difficult for me to handle at first but I think I'm getting slightly better. It's also getting harder and harder to say goodbye. The good news: There should be less than a year left of long distance. I'll be moving to Stillwater one way or another at the end of 2011. I also went on a road trip with one of my friends. We were Hanson groupies for a couple of days. It was a blast.

September: This month I got to start teaching fifth graders. I loved them even more than the fourth graders that I had the previous semester. I can only hope that I end up teaching fifth grade. It was such a rewarding experience and I loved every minute of it. I also met with the dean about one of my professors, not that it did any good =/. But I was happy that I at least tried to take a stand against her.

October: This was a huge month for me. I succeeded in running my first 5k Ever. It was absolutely amazing to do something like that that before I didn't think was possible. Crossing the finish line:

November: Thanksgiving this month was pretty fantastic. It was the first Thanksgiving in awhile that I was able to have my whole family together. It felt so right. It was wonderful.

December: This past month has had many ups and downs all on it's own. But the some of the best things were: I got a 4.0! Lucas came home for 3 weeks! Christmas!

That is all for 2010. Expect a post about my New Year's Resolutions later this week. I've really been thinking about them a lot and I'm excited to see how they turn out.

-Kristina

I did it!!

Here's a few things I did, and a few I'm going to do.

Did: At the beginning of the semester, I made a decision to make a 4.0. I was going to do whatever I needed to achieve it. Today, I can proudly say that I did it. This is my first college semester to make straight A's and it was a really good feeling...of course...now I feel like I shouldn't do worse than a 4.0 ever again. But that's okay. I can do it...maybe.

Did: I completed my 7th semester of college. That's a lot of college! Only 2 to go!

Did: I, after watching the lunar eclipse last night, was able to mark another thing off of my bucket list. "See an eclipse." Woohoo!

Going to do: I'm going to have to go back to the dentist....when you're working so hard to get a 4.0 you neglect other things...like taking care of your teeth. I hadn't been to the dentist in over two years...so all things considered, two little fillings aren't that bad...right? Blah. I hate the dentist.

Going to do: I have to get my wisdom teeth out. Luckily, I only have two teeth on the bottom. But still. I've never had any kind of surgery so I'm not looking forward to scheduling that appointment this summer.

Going to do: I'm going to cook my first every family meal on Christmas Eve. My family does a traditional Christmas Eve Brunch and this year it's at my apartment. I've never cooked for 9 people before. But I can do it! Especially if Lucas helps me. We'll see how it goes. I'll let you know.

I'll keep you updated on all my things I'm going to do. Now it's time to crochet so maybe I can get something else off my bucket list this year.

-Kristina

Ramblings from my brain.

There's a lot that has been weighing on my mind lately so I just wanted to unload a bit.

A couple weeks ago I was made aware of something that I can't seem to stop thinking about. I am not going to go into detail about the people involved or specifics, but a couple weeks ago I was with a group of 7 girls. Of those seven girls, 4 (that I know of), had been molested as a child. This is a HUGE number. And I don't like it at all. I feel so much like God wanted me to find that out. Hearing that, combined with my love of children, has made me feel like I need to do something in some way to help these children. I don't know what, or how I am going to do this. It's just something that has been weighing on my mind. No one should have to go through what those 4 girls went through.

Tomorrow marks the end of the Fall 2010 semester for me. It's so crazy to me that I have made it through 7 out of the 9 semesters I have. I feel like this semester I have overcome a lot. My boyfriend and I have been apart. I have had to deal with a professor who is by far the worst professor ever. I lived completely alone this semester, which was quite a big adjustment for me. It's been good. I will actually feel accomplished tomorrow after I turn in my last project I think. Woohoo.

I actually don't have a lot to say on this post currently. Just had a few things to get out.

-Kristina

It's December!

First, I want to say that I had a fantastic Thanksgiving. I am so blessed to have two amazing families to share the holidays with. And both of them are so helpful in working with each other to ensure that Lucas and I am both able to spend the holidays with our family. It's a beautiful thing. Now, on to December.

I feel like I have a completely renewed energy now that it's December. So many exciting things happen in December. So, I'm gonna tell you all the things I'm excited about.

One thing I am most excited about is the end of this semester. I am very close to being done and it is really relieving. I have worked incredibly hard this semester so I'm so anxious to see my grades and feel somewhat rewarded for all of my hardwork. Not to mention I'll only have two semesters left after this one is over. And one of those is student teaching!

Another thing I am excited about is Christmas Break. Lucas will be home for probably around 3 weeks. This is a wonderful wonderful thing. It's going to be a really good break because this long distance thing can really wear on your relationship. However, I can say that me and Lucas have handles this semester fairly successfully I think. Only a few (hundred) breakdowns on my part. Luckily, he's strong and I can lean on him when I really just want to give up on life.

This is probably a pretty obvious one...but...CHRISTMAS. I don't think I've ever been happier with my gift ideas and I just love Christmastime. The whole Christmas atmosphere is fun. I love Christmas movies, and Christmas lights, and Christmas songs, and Christmas church services, and just Christmas. Everything about it. I bought some cute snowman Christmas decorations that I have throughout my house and it just really brightens my mood. Next on my list of decorations to purchase: a nativity scene. It's definintely not Christmas without Jesus.

My friend Emily is getting married in December. I'm really excited for her because I know she's been waiting for this for a long time. They'll have been engaged for like a year and 8 months I think. That's crazy! But, I'm excited for that.

Last but not least, I'm excited for the date Dec. 17th. This will be the point where my graduation countdown finally rolls over to less than one year. I could not possibly be more excited about this.

So see, like I said, I have tons of things to be excited about in December. This is really gonna help me to be patient and happy with where my life is right now.

-Kristina

An Early Thanksgivings

With the upcoming Thanksgiving, I've decided to go a little bit early and tell a few things that I am thankful for. These are in no particular order.

1. The wonderful opportunity to attend a good school like TU at almost no charge to me. It's a great feeling to know that I will graduate with a very small amount of student loans.

2. Living in America. We have freedoms here that people in other countries would not even begin to dream about. I love that I am able to freely choose my religion, as well as smaller things, like the clothes that I wear.

3. I'm thankful that, at least here, women are allowed to wear pants.

4. My wonderful family. I absolutely love my family. I cannot even imagine where I would be if my family didn't support me and care for me in the way that they do.

5. My trumpet. And my guitar. And my voice...which is awful. I love music. Ever since I started band in 6th grade music has been something that I am extremely passionate about. I love listening to music, and, even more so, making music. The times that I am not doing one of those two things are few and far between. I think that when I am home alone, I sing 75% of the time. The other 25% I have my music blaring.

6. My friends. I don't have many. And the ones that I do have I am not incredibly close to. But friends are important. Very important.

7. Cereal. I wonder how many meals this semester I have replaced with cereal. Or ice cream. Haha. I'm very healthy.

8. My goal-oriented attitude. If there is something that I truly want to do, I will find a way to do it. This has gotten me many places in life.

9. My job. Well, my jobS. I really enjoy my coworkers at TU, and I even like working at Cracker Barrel. It's rough. But they are both jobs that I enjoy.

10. My ethnicity. Though it's not something I express often, I really enjoy being able to say that I am Native American. And no, it's not just for the money that they give me. It's a pride thing I guess. My great-grandma was 100% Cherokee so I just think it's neat. However, I know very little about the Cherokee culture. It's definitely something that I need to work on.

11. Children. Being able to be an elementary teacher is something that I am ridiculously excited for. I love being with them. My second graders are even growing on me.

While there are hundreds of other things that I am thankful for. I'm going to wrap it up with one last one.

12. My boyfriend. Not a day goes by where I don't fall even more in love with him. Him and I have been through so much and yet we still have such a strong relationship. Things are hard, with him being gone, but we have made it through almost another full semester of long distance without too many problems. And even though he's not here, I know that he would drop everything and be here as soon as I said I needed him to come home. I love you, Lucas.

-Kristina

PHEW!

What a crazy last week it has been. I've been so busy that I've hardly had time to breathe. The good news is, even though I hate to admit it, I'm starting to like my second graders a bit. This week I had a lot of fun with them. They just say the funniest things. Here are some examples:

Melissa: What's your name again?
Me: My name is Ms. Hickey?
Melissa: HICKEY?!?!
Me: (thinking oh my 2nd graders know what Hickeys are?...but then she finishes)
Melissa: That sounds so much like hiccup!!


Me: Khalid, what are you drawing?
Khalid: Um...well....well...um...my momma says I'm real creative.


Teacher: Jeremiah can you measure your pencil is?
Jeremiah: It's 6 and 3 lines.


Me: Sean, tell me about that story you are writing.
Sean: Well it's about a sun and his friend who is named wind. And they are best friends. And they do everything together.

I wish sometimes that I was still that young and my biggest worry was whether or not I got candy for reading my sight words correctly. Sigh. The ease of being 7.

Another thing that happened this week was my partner, Kaitlin, and I presented our final projects to the class. I had spent so much time working on this and I was so worried about how everything was going to go. I just want to say that I don't think it could have gone better. Everything went so smoothly. Let me tell you, it's difficult to write a 45 minute drama lesson, but we succeeded, and even had a little bit of fun with it. I think our biggest worry was that it wouldn't be long enough, and we were at 50 minutes when she cut us off, and we still had more stuff to do! Another worry was decoration, we didn't have decoration, and we were terrified that she would complain. But she didn't. She actually said she liked how we used the projector and videos as decoration. Which wasn't what we were going for...but it worked. So we'll take it.

Oh yea! Intramural soccer started this week. We're 2-0 right now so that's super exciting. The first game ended pretty dramatically with a shoot out. But we won. It was awesome! Then the second game the other team forfeited, but we still stuck around and scrimaged, so it was still fun.

So, like I said. I've had a crazy busy week. Now I'm just ready for the weekend and some much needed time with my boyfriend.

-Kristina

One of the best weekends

While some people may disagree, or agree, or not care either way, I think that this past weekend was one of the best weekends that I have had in a long time. To be completely honest, the people I spent the weekend with might not even agree. But that's fine. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Fridays are always so good. They are the first day I get to see Lucas in awhile and I always look forward to them so much. The never disappoint. This one was no different. We went on one of the best dates that we've had in awhile. We started out the evening going to Fat Guy's Burger Bar. This is a small restaurant on Greenwood in downtown Tulsa.

Personally, I thought it was delicious. Mostly cause I love hamburgers. And partly because I don't get to be with my boyfriend very often so I like everything I do when I'm with him. I had a double cheeseburger with BBQ sauce and lettuce. Yum. He had a double bacon cheeseburger with mayo and jalapenos. I'm 99% sure that's what he had. But it was delicious.

Then we walked to the Center of the Universe. This is also downtown. The walking there was just as much fun as being there. I just love being with him. But anyways. Most websites define this place as a sonic anomally. It's really cool. You stand in the middle of a circle and you can hear yourself echoing. Unless you are the one standing in the middle of the circle, you can't hear it. So it was really neat to play around there for a while. Here we are in the center of the universe.

Then we drove around for awhile trying to decide what to do. Eventually we ended up at Halloween Express. It was fun to look around here at all the different costumes. Then we went to the Cheesecake Factory. We had a ten dollar gift card so we decided to go use it on some dessert. I love cheesecake. I had a lovely piece of white chocolate caramel macademia nut. He had dulce de leche. Yum. It was delicious.

That was the end of Friday. Saturday was pretty exciting as well. Sleeping in....always fantastic. And then I went to Lucas' house for some pumpkin carving/painting. Here are some of our creations.

Candi painted Elphaba from Wicked

Connie painted a pretty sweet tree scene.

Connie also carved a tree.

Me and Lucas carved a haunted castle/house thing.

Then it was Sunday. We had my mom's birthday get together and we played a game all afternoon. It was so much fun. I absolutely love spending time with my family and the game we played, "Dicecapades," was so much fun!

I think that's all.

-Kristina

5th Graders and 5k's

Last week was my last week with my fifth grade class. I was a lot more sad then I thought I would be. 3 hours, once a week, is not nearly enough. I'm so excited to be a teacher. It will be so amazing.

With that being said I want to tell you about my teacher moment I had in the classroom last week. I felt like such a teacher haha. One of my fifth graders, Libby, came up to me and said, "Ms. Kristina, I don't know how to write a summary." So I responded with, "Well, Libby, I've never read this story so I need you to tell me what happens in it." She took off, cause fifth graders love to talk, and told me a 5 minute overview of what happened in the story. Here, I cut her off and said, "Libby, what have you been doing for the past five minutes." Immediately her eyes lit up. "I've been summarizing!" So then I told her she just needed to write it down like she was telling someone the story who had never read it. It was really neat to me. I love teaching.

Since it was my last week, I have to move to 2nd graders next week. I'm slightly worried about this because I've never been with children that young in a classroom setting. I taught 2nd graders at church but that is so much different. Plus, going from 5th to 2nd is a huge change. Agh! I really just can't wait until I get my own class for a whole year!

Several months ago I posted my bucket list. I've been slowly working on things on it and this past weekend I ran my first 5k. I was so thrilled to be able to finish. I've been training for the past two months or so but I still wasn't sure I was ready. I finished in 31:19 so I was very happy with my time. Not bad for my first 5k that I didn't even think I could finish. haha. Here are some pics from the race.

Shanna, my sister, ran too.

Crossing the finish line!

Festivity

Recently I've been purchasing small, and I emphasize small, decorations that go with the season. Up until last week I had one tiny Christmas tree and that was my only holiday decoration. While walking by the dollar section at Target I noticed a couple of dish towels that had jack-o-lanterns. I decided, with no hesitation, to purchase my first fall decoration. I immediately went home, hung them on my oven handle, and texted a picture to my boyfriend with the caption, "Aren't I festive?" It's the little things that get me excited haha.

This semester has been so much different than any one I have had thus far. While I do still have homework, I don't have anywhere near the amount that I have had for the last 3 years. I find myself sitting at home, having absolutely nothing that I have to do. It's also been good for me to be able to take more time for myself. Usually I am going constantly. But this semester I have been able to really take some time and relax. I can not tell you how good this feels. Now, if only my boyfriend were here.

That being said, I have noticed a huge difference in my attitude. It's amazing how much happier I can be when I am not exhausted and stressed out all the time. I've also been running. This, to me, is an attitude thing, too. Before when I would try to run I would always have excuses as to why I couldn't do it. I was too fat, too tired, too busy, too...ugly? Haha. Okay that doesn't make sense. But still. I had so many excuses. But now, I have successfully ran 3 days a week for 6 whole weeks. This is a big deal to me because usually I don't make it past the first week. It's so rewarding too. Not only do I feel healthier, I feel better about myself because I am doing it. All by myself even I am doing it. It's wonderful.

Hum. I thought I had more to talk about. I feel like this post was very jumpy. I get distracted easily. Sorry. Haha.

-Kristina

Not too much going on

There hasn't been a whole lot going on with me lately. I had my meeting with the dean. That was good I guess. He didn't really solve anything I don't think but it was very stress relieving, and just a good release, to get everything out to him about that professor. He did listen and told me that he would set up a meeting with her. So maybe stuff will change...idk.

Long distance sucks. In case you were wondering. I hate it so much. But it's okay. I'll survive haha.

Recently I received a letter from a good friend that was one of the most encouraging things ever. I don't really know how to explain it because most people don't really understand what I needed encouragement about, but she did. It was beautiful. And I can honestly say that it has helped me tremendously over the last couple of weeks. Friends are great things to have.

This is an incredibly short choppy post. I just wanted to update but didn't have a big thing to talk about. Just lots of little things haha. Okay. Bye.

-Kristina

Meeting with the Dean

This semester, and last also, I have had continuous issues with one of my professors. She is totally unclear and seems to be clueless about everything relating to her class. For example, here's how an e-mail conversation went between her and I.

Me: Webct says our lesson on Phonemic Awareness is due tomorrow but our syllabus says that it's due next week, which is the correct date?

Prof: That subject is okay.

Me: Uh. So is it due tomorrow then?

Prof: Ok.


If anyone can make sense of that conversation please let me know. She's also the professor from the beginning of the year who said, "I'm not going to teach you how to teach." Which is exactly what the class is for. Here's another conversation that she had with a student in class.

Dana: I don't have a field placement yet, so who do I teach the lesson to?

Prof: Well what school are you at?

Dana: Um. I don't have a field placement yet?


Anytime we ask her a question she completely avoids the question. It's very annoying and makes it impossible for us to know what we need to do. I'm definintely not learning anything about how to teach reading from this teacher.

Yesterday I decided that I want to talk to someone above her about her teaching. While I know that professors have tenure and all that crap and so her getting fired is highly unlikely, I would like to at least bring it to the Deans attention that she is an awful professor. I have no idea what will come of it. But I am armed with examples haha. And I know that my whole class will back me up.

So, Friday, at 1:30 I'm going to talk to the Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences. The little interaction that I've had with him hasn't gone over too well in the past. But I know that he is where I need to start at least. This probably sounds childish that I'm going to "tell on the teacher." But I think that it is a serious problem. She is teaching reading methods and math methods and those two subjects are the hardest subjects to teach, and most important with NCLB guidelines. I'll keep you updated on how it goes.

-Kristina

Marriage, through the eyes of a 5th grader

Once a week I go and observe a 5th grade classroom at Mark Twain Elementary. While I'm only with my students for a short time. I have learned to love them each so much already. They are just such a great group of kids. There's Michael T., who has diabetes, and is constantly looking for and noticing how many sugars and carbs are in everything, even food that he isn't eating. There's Trevor, who has had a very rough home life, his mom is a meth cook, his dad is a leader of a gang in Tulsa. He told Mrs. Morgan that while his dad's gang robs stores in Tulsa, his job is to stand outside and be a lookout. Yet, Trevor is usually pretty happy. I think the resiliency in kids is incredible.

Which brings me to the topic of this post. Kids can teach us such valuable lessons I think. Their purity and love for life is incredible to me. But it's their simple-mindedness that I think we can learn from. They are so straight-forward and don't feel the need to make thinks so complex. Every morning, the fifth graders have journal time. They each pull out their journals and basically just free-write for a few minutes. They aren't restricted on what they can write about so as you can imagine some of the entries get pretty crazy.

As I was walking around the room, I noticed one girl, Trinity, was particularly smiley. She looked almost giddy as she wrote in her journal. I decided that I wanted to see what was so funny, so I casually walked around behind her to read over her shoulder. "Dear Mya," it started. It drew my interest because there was a girl in the class named Mya. I almost said something about how she needed to not be writing notes, but I decided hey, it's free writing, let her carry on. So I continued reading instead, "Michael H is my future husband. He's so smart and funny. We're going to get married."

I smiled and moved on to the next journal. I didn't really give it much more thought until later in the day. Recently, I've been thinking about it even more. Why do adults make relationships so complicated? I think much can be learned from Trinity. Now, i know the chances of Trinity and Michael actually getting married are next to none, but still. I think she knows what she wants from her future husband already. She wants someone smart, who makes her laugh. That's so simple. Adults request so much more. We want someone with money, or someone who has a college degree, or someone who doesn't like onions. Why can't it be more simple?

I think this has been on my mind because I realize how much I expect out of people. Especially Lucas. I know that I am usually asking for too much, but for some reason I continue asking for too much, and then getting disappointed. The reason I fell in love with Lucas isn't that much different than Trinity's love for Michael. Lucas is smart, he makes me laugh, he cares about me, and he cares about God. These are the things that are most important to me and so I'm going to try to step back and see those things in him, instead of continually asking for more.

I don't really know if that makes any sense. Possibly not. But to me it does. And to me, it was a good reminder of what is important to me in my relationship with Lucas.

-Kristina

Refusals

I have a few things that I'm having to struggle hard to refuse right now. But I'm surviving. I just want to talk about it so I can feel more confident in my no's.

School Stress
I vowed to make this semster calmer, to not take on so many things, and to just relax instead of becoming completely overwhelmed by school and what comes with it. I'm only two weeks into the semester and it's been incredibly difficult to stay true to this. I will be so glad when my methods classes are over. It's hard to handle one of my professors and this should be the last time I have to answer to her like this. She makes no sense in the way she teaches and I feel like it's impossible for me to learn anything from her.

Relationship Stress
For the first time in a very long time, I feel very confident in the friendships that I do have. I feel like I can lean on them when things to happen and they will actually care It's very nice. So this stress, is a lot easier for me to say no to. I don't have to stress about these things.

Jealousy
Staying supportive and happy for all of my friends who are getting married is getting harder and harder. I am still very happy for them, it's just so hard to not be jealous. It sucks seeing everyone else getting something that I want so badly. So, I really need prayer to stay happy with my life and where it's at right now, regardless of how difficult it is.

Sex
I'll be honest. No one reads this blog anyways haha. So I'll talk about my "tabou" issues. Yes, I'm 21 and have been in a relationship for 3 years, but I'm still a virgin. In a culture that says people should have sex, this is incredibly difficult. So please, if you do happen to read this, pray for me in that. I need all the support I can get in saying no.

Short-temper
For awhile I was doing really get at staying patient and slow to get angry. That seems to have all dissapeared. I need to gain my patience back cause I was much happier with that.

I think that's all I have for you for now. Thanks for reading.

-Kristina

Oh my oh my

Wow. It's been so long again. It's so hard for me to get in a routine over the summer, but now that it's the school year again, I should definitely be a more regular poster. Once again, here's another catch up on my life recently.

1. Lucas moved to Stillwater. This, of course, is the worst thing ever. I hate so much that he's not here for me to see everyday. But, we're surviving so far. And I only have 47 more weeks of school. =) It'll be done in no time...right? Then I'll move to Stillwater and start being a real grown up.

2. I'm back in my apt. I really love living here. It's pretty much the only reason that I like school anymore haha.

Speaking of school, it started last week. I've just decided to talk about each of my classes instead of updating you on my life....get over it. It's my blog haha.

Geology : I'm taking this class with my mother. It's fun. And interesting I think. And the only class I've ever taken with a lab. Labs suck. haha.

Reading for Elementary : Oh my. This professor is such an awful professor. It's kinda sad because she also taught the Math for Elementary class. So you'd think they'd have a good professor teaching what they say are the most important subjects. But whatever. I just have to get through this semester. The full name of the class is methods for teaching reading to an elementary child...and on the first day of class she said, "I'm not gonna teach you how to teach, I'm going to talk to you like you already know." We're confused, because the purpose of this class is to teach us how to teach...whatever.

Social Studies for Elementary : I love this class. My professor is incredibly good and since she recently taught elementary school she actually knows what to tell us. I like her a lot. I'm learning more in this class than I've learned in any of my other methods classes and it's only been a week and a half.

Creative Dramatics : This class is just fun. We have to do a lot of theatrical stuff but none of us know each other so it's a lot easier to just be goofy and do the crazy activities that we have to do. Lots of pantomine and improve. Good times.

Educational Technology : This class teaches us how to use things in the classroom for eductional reasons, like powerpoint and smartboard, and elmo, and other things like that. It's really interesting and helpful to my technologically challenged self.

Okay. That's all I think. Thanks for listening/reading.

-Kristina

So long

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted. Summer has a way of making time go about 18 times faster than normal. I sincerely apologize for my absence. Mostly to myself because I want this blog to be something I can look back on in the future and right now, I have a very splotchy past haha. So, I'll catch up on a few things that have happened.

1. I've attended a ton of weddings. This age is just a crazy one where everyone I know is getting married. It's cool though. I enjoy getting ideas. I think I've wanted to do something in my wedding from each of the weddings I've attended.

2. Going to all these weddings has shown me again how much I would love to do wedding/event planning. I can't wait till next semester as an ACA when I get to plan more events. I already have so many ideas. With that being said, I'm really hoping someday in the future I can plan things on the side of teaching...or maybe in place of teaching. I don't know. I guess I'll just see what God has planned for me.

3. I turned 21. It's true. I'm now officially an adult.

4. I went to the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, and Hoover Dam with my family and Lucas. It was a great trip and I feel blessed to be able to travel so much with my family.

5. I bought designer shoes. I didn't know I had it in me to do something like that haha but I bought some Coach shoes. And I love them.

6. In the past month since I posted Lucas and I have gotten about 8000 times closer/happier. For awhile our relationship was really struggling but we've been working incredibly hard to work together instead of against each other. It's been incredibly challenging but also incredibly rewarding. That was way too many incredibly's in a sentence. Oh well.

7. I'm still doing guitar lessons. And I still love it. Music has such a calming effect on me. I wish that I could play my trumpet or guitar for a living. But essentially that's unrealistic I think. And I don't want it to be something I have to do, just something I want to do.

8. I got a credit card. Don't worry, I don't need the lecture on how credit cards are bad. I think that I am pretty well organized and responsible so I'll be okay. And it's really just for big purchases that I have money for I just don't want to spend all the money at once. So, it'll be good. It also has a really low limit. So I can't get in too much trouble. It makes me feel old haha.

9. I have to move back into school in less than a month. That's so ridiculous. I can't believe how fast this summer has gone. I'm excited about school, not excited about Lucas leaving. Which brings me to ten.

10. Lucas is going to OSU in the fall. I'm just hoping for lots of prayer and support from my friends and family so we can once again do this long-distance thing. Blah. We'll be okay.

Okay. That's all. See, I don't know why I haven't written because I had a lot to write about.

-Kristina

What my amazing boyfriend did for me

Last week I posted a bucket list on my blog. I really never know who is gonna read my blog. Sometimes my boyfriend does, sometimes he doesn't. Or maybe he always does. He just usually doesn't say whether he did or not. So, I never know. This time was no different. I posted my post and went on with my life. That night, he told me that he had a date he wanted to do with me and that we should do it Sunday. I was excited, as I always am for dates, but had no idea what we were going to do.

Finally, Sunday came and after church and a few errands we made our way to his house. He had to get some things together so he went to his room and I went and sad in his living room. Then, he came back, carrying a bow and arrow! #28 on my list, in case you didn't know haha. It was such an amazing surprise.

We spent about an hour shooting at pizza boxes and I had so much fun. We ended up losing our three arrows or we probably would have kept going haha. I'm so grateful that I have a boyfriend who listens to things I want and does something about it. I love him. Now time for pictures:


I'm very excited to shoot this weapon that's as tall as me haha.



Uh oh. This is gonna be harder than it looks.



What perfect form I have. =)



My wonderful boyfriend. Who I love a whole lot.



Yep. I did that. =)



-Kristina

A pact to myself and a bucket list

I'm going to enjoy summer this year. Usually I fill it with so much stuff that I don't really have time to relax. This year it's gonna be different. I'm gonna ask off work to do things that people invite me to do. I'm gonna call-in occasionally so I can have some time with friends. It's definitely something I need to do. For example, in a couple of weeks, one of my friends that I made in France is coming through Tulsa and I'm gonna go have dinner with her. I'm so excited. I definitely wouldn't have enjoyed any of the time there if I hadn't met her. We did fun things together, like travel 3 hours by train to Lyon because it was the closest place that Harry Potter 6 was showing in English. It was definitely the funnest trip that I went on during those six weeks.

Over the past few months I've been writing a bucket list. I just add things to it as I think of them and I think that my list of 52 items is ready to share. This list will be edited as the years go by. But for now. I think its a wonderful start. I even have two things done already. So, here it is:

1. Run a 5k
2. Learn to play guitar
3. Become a certified elementary teacher
4. Attend a major sporting event, i.e. NFL game, Olympic event
5. Swim with a dolphin
6. Spend time traveling Europe
7. Run a 10k
8. Take a cake decorating class
9. Be an audience member at a TV show filming
10. Visit Hawaii
11. Take a dance class
12. Ride in a helicopter
13. Run a marathon
14. Do some sort of –athalon: bi- or tri-
15. Go scuba diving
16. Walk through a tree in the Redwood Forest
17. See an eclipse
18. See a meteor shower
19. Sleep under the stars
20. Learn how to juggle
21. Pay off a car all by myself 3/26/2010
22. Pay off a house
23. Go do a concert, a big one
24. Get married
25. Raise children
26. Earn a college degree
27. Watch the ball drop in Time Square
28. Shoot a bow and arrow
29. Shoot a gun at a shooting range
30. Visit Sydney, Australia
31. Go skiing
32. Go up in a hot air balloon
33. Earn a black belt in taekwondo, or other martial art
34. Read the entire Harry Potter series in a week
35. Crochet an entire blanket
36. Try vegetarianism for a month…or week
37. Start a collection, and own 50 of that object
38. Fly first class
39. Go on a cruise
40. Go snow-shoeing
41. Stay in a yurt
42. Survive my first year of teaching
43. Earn a minor in French 5/6/2010
44. Dance in the rain
45. Watch all six Star Wars movies in a week
46. Fake a sick day to stay home with my husband
47. Name a daughter Hannah
48. Be in two places at once
49. Have 3 tattoos
50. Stand at the 4 corners
51. Have at least one friend that I know I can count on
52. Adopt an animal from a shelter

I really hope to complete all things on this list and I think I'll be able to. I don't really have anything else to stay right now. So that's all.

-Kristina

Summertime

After being done with school for about two weeks I finally get to start summer on Friday. I'm kinda excited to move off campus and back home. We'll see how I feel in a week haha. There are so many things this summer that I'm looking forward to. So, I've decided to talk about them.

1. Sister. I love my sister. A lot. And I get to move home and spend a lot more time with her this summer than I got to last summer. I like how far apart we are. I think 4 years is a really good distance. However, sometimes I think it's too close. Yesterday, she went on a date with someone that I knew in high school. I used to think he was so cute. Haha. Trust me, he wasn't cute when he was taking my little sister on a date haha.

2. Las Vegas. I'm going to Vegas with my family and Lucas for my 21st birthday. I'm pretty excited about that. It's gonna be so fun. I'll get to spend a whole week with my boyfriend!

3. Trumpet. I always seem to play more at church in the summer. And I love playing.

4. Youth Quake. I'm most likely going to YQ on the cook team. I'm pretty excited about serving God in that way.

5. Swimming. I've never been so excited about going swimming as I am this year. I don't konw why I just really want to swim and be outside and enjoy the warm sun.

I think those are the main things.

Also, this summer I am going to really focus on working on relationships in my life. I want to do this while it's the only thing I truly have to focus on. It'll be good.

-Kristina

Lessons

It was very difficult for me to decide on a subject for this post. There's just a lot of stuff I need to write about but I think I've decided on the right one.

Over the past few weeks I've learned a lot of lessons. I just wanted to share some of those with you.

1. People care about me. For the longest time I've been ridiculously insecure about my relationships with other people. I always think that there is no possible way they could love me and care about me like I love and care about them. This has put lots of strains on all my relationships. Charlie said something in church sunday, "You won't see good in something unless you are looking for good." I need to relax and start noticing the things people do for me. But, since I think so negatively, I only see the negative.

2. My feelings aren't as important as I think they are. Sometimes, I need to just put my feelings aside. It's usually not worth the fighting or agruments that come from me talking about them, so why bring them up to begin with. If I stayed quiet, I would probably get over them much more quickly. Throughout high school, I always kept to myself. People had to pry pretty deep to get me to show emotion...I wonder what happened to change all that. I don't know. I just need to pull back and keep to myself a little more often. I, and people around me, will be happier that way.

3. My standard of cleanliness has gone way down. Thanks to my inspection of apartments, I now can look at something covered in dirt and say, "That's clean." While my own apartment will never look as dirty as the ones I've seen, I don't think that I will be so judgemental about cleanliness anymore.

4. Music is more important to me than I had previously thought. I miss band. I miss it a lot. I miss the people, I miss the trips, and I miss the adrenaline rushes that come when you step on the field. Most of all though, I miss the music. I miss picking up my trumpet and feeling like I was creating something. Don't worry, I know how nerdy this sounds. But I miss it. There's not a whole lot I wouldn't give to find somewhere to play regularly. Oh well.

5. Living alone is lonely. I didn't think it was going to be any different since I rarely talked to my roomate anyways. But it is lonely. Just knowing that I'm the only one in the apartment...ever, is kinda sad. It'll be better when I'm actually in school I think. Cause then I'll at least have stuff to do.

6. Communication doesn't have to be verbal. Over the past year or so it has been really hard for me to get used to the change that communication has taken. Before, me and Lucas would talk on the phone for hours at a time. Now, I'm lucky to get 15 minutes of talk time. It bothered me for a really long time. But I think now I'm realizing that it's okay because we do text all day. While it doesn't seem as personal, it is, because he's the only one I text like that. I don't know. It's still sad to not get to talk on the phone. But texting is better than nothing. We're still taking time to communicate with one another.

I think that's all. I'm sure there are more. But these are the things that have stuck out to me the most; the things I keep coming back to and thinking about.

-Kristina

So long

I can't believe how long it's been since I last wrote. Especially because so many good things have happened.

- I got a B in my French class! This was a huge accomplishment and I'm one hundred percent sure that I did the best that I could.
- My gpa this semester was a 3.8. I will get a 4.0 next semester. I know that I can so I will make it happen.
- I've realized that I am happy where my life is right now. Truly this time. Someone asked me recently if I was engaged yet and my response was different. Usually I'd say, unfortunately not. But this time I said, I'll let you know when it happens. Maybe it was just who I was talking to that made that response easier. But I realized that I shouldn't be in a hurry. He told me he understood and he'd look forward to the announcement. And I replied with, yea, I'll look forward to yours, too. I don't know. I'm just sick of not living in today. So I'll start doing that.

I've also screwed up a lot lately. I can't seem to do things right. Ever. And that's very frustrating. Even when I'm happy I can't be happy because I'm just constantly hurting the person that is closest to me. I don't know. I feel like I'm struggling a lot and I don't know how to fix it.

Please pray for me and my struggles.

-Kristina

Nostalgia

It's so weird to me how songs have such a crazy power of nostalgia. I'm gonna my iTunes on shuffle and give you a peek into how random this works.

(After writing this post I wanted to put in a small disclaimer. All ten of these songs remind me of high school. This doesn't mean I'm stuck on high school, it means my iTunes wanted to play songs that I've had on my iPod since high school. So, had it played new songs, it would have been much different.)

Ready for Love - Cascada
I'm pretty sure this would work for every song on that album. I seriously can smell Sonic when this song comes on. It's funny, cause the one time that I listened to this song at Sonic I was in the car...not inside. It's just weird to me. Because rather than reminding me of the boy I was with, or the weather outside, or anything that would make sense....I smell Sonic. Good times.

You Could Be Right - Salient
8th grade. I don't even know what about 8th grade. This music just makes me think of 8th grade. How strange.

No One to Share the Blame - Josh Gracin
This also works with the whole Josh Gracin cd. I got this CD the day before church camp one year. I believe 2003. I listened to it anytime I was in the dorm. It reminds me of fans blowing and sleeping bags.

Ever Lonely - Hanson
The fourth house I lived in. I thought I was Zac Hanson. No lie. I used to get milk cartons and use them as my drums while I listened to hanson. I remember dancing up and down the hallway screaming the lyrics. This was before the internet was a big thing, so, I used to listen to these songs over and over again until I had all the lyrics written down. I was only in fourth grade haha. So it took a while.

Happy Song - 3rd String Jesus
The night we recorded the chorus track for the YouthQuake CD. Not the recording though. After the recording. When I realized how much I liked Lucas. And how much I was ready to move on from silly high school relationships.

Penny and Me - Hanson
One late night, playing Polish Pool with the girls. I threw a pool ball into the wall...oops haha.

Tia Dalma - Hans Zimmer
Pasadena. The Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney Land. Haha. Good times. For some reason that immediately brings me to Rebecca Trout sticking a toe in her mouth...or something. It's a very unclear memory haha.

One Short Day - Kristen Chenoweth
Chicago. New York City. And best of all. Tulsa.

I Feel Bad - Rascal Flatts
I had a pretty significant break-up junior year. This song spoke very true of me and how I felt. After one night of tears I was good. I wasn't near as upset as everyone expected me to be.

Dancing Through Life - Wicked
This one's easy. Me and Abigail singing parts of this song...over and over and over again. At school, at work, at church, on facebook. Everywhere haha.


This is why I love music so much. Music is such a powerful thing. It can make you happy, or sad. It can remind you of things you haven't thought about in years. I just love music.

It's also crazy to me that it can change. For example. 2 years ago, Cascada would me make me think of Billy. No question. But now. Sonic. Crazy. But I love it.

-Kristina

Wow

These past few weeks have been such a roller coaster. Things have happened that I thought never would, and I've realized that things I thought were going to happen aren't going to.

For starters. I went to my last French class. I still have two meetings with my professor and a paper to write...but I'm done going to class. That is very very relieving. If you've been following my blog, or talked to me at all this semester, you know that I have struggled with this class more than any class I've ever taken. I'm so glad that it has finally come to an end.

In about 10 days I'll be done with 6 semesters of college. That means I'll only have 3 left. 2/3 of the way done. That makes me feel incredibly accomplished. The rest of my classes are either general ed classes that I never got in, or education methods classes like the ones I had this semester. That means until I graduate, I will be in a real classroom at least once a week. This semester I took math and science method classes. Next semester it's reading and social studies. I'm a little concerned about that because I think reading and social studies are harder things to teach.

Tonight is also the last night that I'll have to work at the clubhouse this semester. The rest of my shifts are during the day. I'm so excited about this because I'll have some time free to sit on my porch and enjoy this beautiful weather that we've been having. Hurray.

I have some homework I should be doing right now. So that's all for now.

-Kristina

Scattered, at best

Last week at small groups my small group talked a little about our prayer lives. We all mentioned that we were struggling a little in being consistent. Someone even said their prayer was like a vending machine, she "went to it when she needed something." This really hit home for me. I struggle a lot with being consistent. And when I do pray, my mind is all over the place. I just can't stay focused for very long. I had made a vow last Sunday to spend quality time praying this week as often as I could. I regret to say that Monday was the only day that I did okay. I stopped several times throughout the day and had a conversation with God.

As many of you know. Monday was a bad day for me. Awful. And I didn't understand why on the day that I'm trying to focus on him, he decides to put me through so much stuff. So, I, being the grudge helder I am, held out on him all week. And, he, being the lesson teacher he is, taught me a lesson. While I refused to reach out to him, he wasn't the most protecting of my feelings and emotions.

But then, last night. I was at my end. All of me was exhausted. I felt like I couldn't go one more day. So, I turned to Him. And, last night, things got better. I have returned stregnth. Even though I'm exhausted. I have more optimism, even though this week has been nothing but bad. I feel better. Turned around. Like I can finish this year.

I want to focus this summer on improving my prayer life. I'll have more time, and absolutely no excuse. If I get it in order this summer, I will be strong enough to keep it up throughout the school year.

Lord, Please help me with my prayer.

-Kristina

The Race to the Finish

I think that it's absolutely crazy that I only h ave 3 weeks of school left. Then there are 2 weeks of finals but I'm not sure if I have any finals those weeks. Which is awesome.

Everyone tells you that college will fly by...who knew that was actually true? I feel like the end is so quickly approaching. In 5 more weeks, I'll only have 3 semesters left. Granted, I plan on getting a masters degree...but that's different. Graduate school is nothing like undergrad. It's just crazy.

I did something this week that I've been very bad about doing for a long time. I invited someone to church. I did it thinking there was no way she'd say yes...and then God surprised me again by having her agree to come. Sunday's still a long ways away so we'll see if it keeps, but even so, I did something that I thought was so hard, and God showed me that it can be very easy.

This weekend is going to be very long. I have to be at church at 6:30 on Easter. That's earlier than I've been anywhere in a long time.

It's official that I'm going to Las Vegas for my 21st birthday. I'm pretty excited because Lucas is coming with my family and I. My parents are gonna have to work hard to keep us out of the wedding chapels. ;)

I need to go now. I'm supposed to be writing my French paper. Speaking of which, I think there's a pretty good chance that I'm going to get a B in this class. There is a chance of a C, but I just feel like I'm going to get a B. We'll see how it goes.

-Kristina

Guitar =)

I've had a good week so far. I can't believe there's only 6.5 weeks left. And only 4.5 of class. This semester has gone so fast. I'm so glad for that too, I know things will just keep getting faster. I'll be teaching my own class before I know it.

This week I started guitar lessons. I'm taking them from a guy named Pete Banfield. He's been playing guitar for like 30 years and has taught lessons for like 20 of those. He's even written some songs that he sold to Disney. I feel confident in his ability to teach me. I already learned how to play most of a whole song. A Taylor Swift one even. Any lessons teacher that teaches what the student wants is a winner.

Also this week, last night actually, I cut all my hair off. I probably cut 6 inches off where the shortest layer is. I'm not sure how I feel about it but no one has said anything bad yet. Except my dad, but that's cause he's been bitter ever since I cut off like 12 inches in one day. So now everytime I cut it he says, "I thought you were going to grow it out again." And I say, "No dad, I'm never growing it out that long again." And he says, "Oh. Okay." I swear this happens ever 6 months or so when I drastically cut my hair.

I don't have a lot to say really. I need some prayer over the next few weeks because all of my professors have jammed everything into the last few weeks. Which I think is rather dumb. But oh well. It's a race to the finish now.

Okay that's all.

-Kristina

Growing up

It's been awhile. My apologies.

This week was spring break. I have looked forward to this week for a long time and I was counting on some major relaxation. It has been anything but relaxing. I feel like I haven't had much free time at all. It's scary to me to think that, if I don't become a teacher, I only have one more spring break. Sometimes I wish that I lived in a different country. Everything is so much more relaxing there. Like in France, for instance, they have a 35 hour work week. While five less hours doesn't seem like a lot...that's a ton. They also get like a two hour paid lunch break every day. For instance, while I was in France, my parents worked in a town that was about 30 minutes by train from where we lived. They both came home everyday for lunch because they had enough time to do that. Why does everything have to be so hurried and rushed here in America.

I feel like the fact that I'm growing up has been thrown in my face so much this week. Things with Lucas and I are changing so much. I don't even know how to explain it. It's just difficult doing this whole becoming and adult thing with someone else. Not that I'd change it for the world.

Then today, I went to lunch with an old friend from high school. We sat and discussed people we knew from high school. Out of both of our groups of friends, half of them are married, a quarter have kids, one is a model for playboy, one has recently became gay, and several have served in Iraq. It's crazy to me how much your life changes after high school. It's amazing how all of this news and gossip affected me. The marriage thing is always rough. I feel so ready for that but it's not my time. It's so rough seeing everyone around you getting married. The kids didn't bother me so much. While it is something I look forward to a lot, I know that I have plenty of time for that. The one who is a model for playboy was really just unreal. I think that one hit closest to the pains I've been feeling about growing up. I know she didn't choose the most moral career path...at all...but she's doing something. She's chosen her career and made it to the top already. I'm so ready to start my own career...the clean one haha. An elementary teacher.

The one who recently become gay effected me more than anything. This person was someone who was incredibly close to me for 6 years. From 7th grade until I graduated I talked to him about everything. I couldn't tell you how many times I went to him crying about trivial things and he was there for me. He was my first of so many things. Most importantly he was my first best friend. Later he became my first "boyfriend," my first hand to hold, and my first date. However, none of that was where we really clicked. We definitely were supposed to just be friends. After we both graduated from high school we went our separate ways. To be honest, he was part of the reason I went to TU instead fo OSU. I wanted change. Not even cause I wanted to get away from him. I just wanted freedom from him. I knew he struggled with alcohol, and drugs, and Christianity. And I think I didn't want to be resonsible for his salvation. Which is awful, but I think it's true. Anyways, I haven't talked to him for almost three years. I haven't even wanted to talk to him. Even had I talked to him, I wouldn't be able to like I did then. He's different, I'm different. But when I was told today that he was struggling with homosexuality, I couldn't help but feel a little resonsible. I know that there is probably very little I could have done for him. I'm just kinda struggling accepting everything. Life is so crazy. And it's changing so much. Growing up is a very crazy thing.

Also this week I spent a lot of time at the food bank. I haven't done a lot, mostly just labeled unmarked cans. But it's still made me have more appreciation for the food in my cabinets. Some of these cans were in bad shape, and they had things in them that I'd never heard of. I couldn't imagine looking at this can of some strange vegetable and being so grateful for it. I'm just so glad that I am blessed enough to go to the store and get what I want, not what is handed out to me.

I think that's all.

-Kristina

My Oral French Test

I went to bed last night with an awful stomachache. I knew the chances of me getting a good night's sleep were very slim. I tossed and turned all night long. I even woke up several times wide awake. It was so frustrating because I was so incredibly tired.

Finally the night was over, it was the day of my oral French test. After panicking all day long, and having multiple stomachaches, I went to my French professor's office. The good news: I survived and she even told me that I was improving a lot. The bad news: I have to wait to get my great. Ridic.

Okay. Boring post. I was just happy that I survived the dreaded test.

-Kristina

School

This week, or Monday next week, I have to have a one hour long oral interview with my French professor. She's the one who I believe has been put on the planet to ruin my life. She's my own personal Satan, who wears me down on a daily basis and takes my focus off where it should be. To be honest, I would dread an hour long interview with any professor, but with this one? In French? Is it really necessary? I firmly believe that the answer is no. I speak up in class, I do the readings, I answer questions, I write her papers. So why must I be tested on my French ability when I am showing her every class period my abilities.

Okay. Really. I understand. It's a test. Tests measure progress. Tests measure achievement. Tests give you grades. Just let me grip for a bit. Geez.

I'm very, very anxious for Spring Break. I'm sick. And that's not helping me stay motivated. 99% of the time I just want to take some NyQuil and crawl into bed for the day. Responsibilities suck. Which brings me to my next point.

How do people know when they are ready for more responsibility? For instance, the responsibility of marriage? Of children? Of new jobs? Of friends? Of pets? I think that oftentimes you just have to jump in. Then you'll learn the responsibility necessary for whatever it is you just jumped into. I don't know. I'm just rambling to be honest.

I've been thinking a lot about my life. And my future. Everyone is telling me to finish school before I start a family. And I realize that's the smart thing to do. But to be honest, I want to be a stay at home mom until my kids are in school. I want to stay home and do the cooking and cleaning and have dinner on the table when my husband comes home. That means I have like 10 years to get a degree. Why is it so important to get it done now. Even if I took one class a semester it wouldn't take 10years. Oh well. I guess that's not really the only thing stopping me anyways.

I'm rambling so much. I apologize. I just want to be done with school. I'm super stressed right now and that's not going to help me get over this cold. AGH! 3 more French classes until Spring Break. =)

Lord,
Please give me patience and strength. I'm so close to giving up.
Amen

Selfishness

Over the past few years I've noticed what a selfish person I am when it comes to relationships. I always expect more from the other person than I am willing to give. I never want to be the one that invites, I want to be invited. I don't want to call, I want to be called. I don't know why I am like that. As a child/teenager I struggled trusting and opening up to people. I think my 8th grade year hardened me the most. I had my first boyfriend in 8th grade. And with boyfriends come drama. So, because this boy was in my close circle of friends, I lost friends. It's weird to me to look back and see how many friendships of mine were ruined because I wanted to hold his hand. They thought I was moving too fast and so I was shoved out of the group. Ironic since most of them had been having boyfriends since 4th and 5th grade. Also in 8th grade I lost my small group leader, my soccer coach, and my favorite band director. All of these people left with no legitimate reason and I was hurt. These were the people that I trusted more than anything. So, in turn, I closed myself off to people.

Today I struggle with opening up to people. I complain about not having friends when it's essentially my fault because I don't always want to talk to them. It was always so different with Lucas. I could always open up to him. Even in high school I'd come to him with all my problems that I couldn't bring to anyone else. Sure, I had other boyfriends in high school, but they only saw my tough side. The side that didn't cry. The side that didn't care if they called or not. The side that didn't rely on anyone for anything. When me and Lucas began dating I continued to open up to him. I remember feeling so liberated to be in a relationship where I could actually trust the other person. I could completely open up and show him my emotional crazy side and he wouldn't hit the door running.

Unfortunately, I made a huge mistake. I thought that was enough. I completely opened myself to him and I thought that would show him that I love him. Couldn't he see that I treated him so much differently and cared about him so much more than anyone else I had ever been with? Well, see, the thing is, he can't. He wasn't there in my other relationships. He didn't know how I acted when I was alone with other boys. He didn't know that I had cried only once in the presence of another boy, and that cry had essentially gotten me dumped. He didn't know that in high school I refused to go to dinner with boys, fearful of what they would think when they realized how much I ate. haha. Silly me. Lucas was special. But me acting different was only showing myself that he was special, not him.

Recently I was challenged to read a book. And by recently I mean about two hours ago. This book is about showing a women what it is that men need to feel loved. I spent the last hour reading it. And I didn't just read. I want to learn from it so I also took notes. I've decided that I'm going to go on a little love dare of my own making. Each chapter of this book focuses on different things that are important to men. There are seven different "revelations" that the author brings to share with women and I am going to do my best to spend the next seven weeks working on those seven things. The book is really written for married couples, so I haven't quite figured out what I'll do during the sex chapter week. But that's okay. I'll work it out when it comes haha.

I really want to take the focus off of my needs in this relationship. The book emphasizes that if he is getting what he needs, he will inevitably be giving me what I needs. Men long for respect, which shows them love. Women long for love, which shows them respect. It's a difficult concept to understand but this week I plan on working hard at showing him that I respect him, even when I am struggling to feel loved.

Anyways. I really should sleep. I just couldn't sleep until I got some of my thoughts out of my head and "down on paper" so to speak. The good news is I still have 5 hours until I have to wake up.

-Kristina

Woohoo

On Monday of this week I had a meeting with my lovely French professor. In case you haven't heard, she's no where near lovely. But, anyways. I made my way to her office to talk about my paper that I had to turn in the next day. I was terrified. To say the least. And rightfully so. Throughout the course of our 45 minute meaning she told me that I was dyslexic. That I had no right being at college. That I hadn't learned very much if I was a third year student and had no intellectualism. Okay. So maybe intellectualism isn't a word. Maybe she was right? Anyways. I came out of the meeting bruised and battered and in tears. So I made my way to my room and started completely rewriting my paper. I tried to follow her suggestions as closely as possible. I proofread it several times. Finally, I was done. I felt like I had done my best and there was nothing more I could do, so I was even relieved to turn it in.

While I was sitting in class waiting to turn in my paper I realized I hadn't done something very important. She makes us grade our own papers. She wants to see how we think we did before she gives us grades. I pulled the grading rubric out of my binder hoping so much that for some reason I had done it, and just forgotten. To my horror, I realized that I hadn't. I absolutely panicked. My stomach was in knots. I couldn't focus on the class discussion. In the middle of class my teacher asked for our papers with the grading rubric attached. I sheepishly pulled out my paper and the blank rubric, fearful of the yelling that was to come. Then I looked over at the girl who sits next to me. And she had nothing. Her printer "didn't work." I knew in that moment that I was off the hook. The scolding I would receive from the professor would be nothing compared to what she would get. However, I did get a little one. And after class she sent me down to the language lab to fill it out. I had an hour to get it turned in, which was fine, I had class in 30 minutes anyways.

After that fiasco, I graded my paper. I gave myself a 78 but I was doubtful she would give me anything above a 60. I decided the best thing to do was completely forget about it. I didn't want to worry about it, so I didn't. In fact, when I went to class on Thursday I wasn't even expecting to get the paper back. But, she walked in, and the first things she said was I have your papers graded. And then she pulled them out. Just like that all my fears came back to me. I was trembling with hope for at least a 65. She gave it to me and I immediately searched the front page for some numbers. There were none. In fact, my front page had very very little writing on it. I hesitated, wondering if she gave me back the wrong copy or if she really had only corrected a few things on the first page. I furiously tore through the next 5 pages. Oh my. I really hadn't done that bad. A few grammatical errors. A few transitional sentences that didn't work. A few sentences that were incomprehensible because my French was so bad. But essentially a pretty good looking paper.

Then I came to the rubric. She had used the same one I did, so I could see what points I gave myself versus what points she gave me. When I looked at the first page of the rubric I literally got butterflies in my stomach. I had given myself a 16 in textual organization. But she had given me a 17. She had given me MORE points than I had. This couldn't be real. I flipped to the next page. She gave me the same points I did. Then the next. I skipped over the rubric part down to the overall grade. French ones look an awful lot like sevens. So at first I thought, oh she gave me a 19%. That's awful. As my stomach began to fall I noticed the notch through the stem of the 7, indicating that it was a 7. My professor had given me a 79% after telling me just the day before that it was an awful paper and that I was wasting my time. Not only did she give me a very very high C, she gave me more points than I gave myself. I couldn't believe it. It seriously brought tears to my eyes.

This grade on this paper was exactly the confidence booster that I needed. How could I not feel 80 times better about this class when I almost got a B on the very first paper. I am feeling so much better about this class now. Don't worry though, you'll still have to hear my frustrations and stresses. I'm still super stressed, I just feel more like I can do it. Yay. =)

-Kristina

Another post about my 4th graders, plus some love for my Valentine

Last week I taught my 4th graders for the first time. It was kinda thrown at me 2 seconds before I had to get up and teach. It was a bit stressful but I loved every minute of it.

Ms. Johnson was teaching double digit times double digit multiplication. I settled at the end of a row where there is an extra seat, right next to Teya, expecting to just sit and watch. Then Ms. Johnson surprised me, she looked at me across the room and said, "Why am I doing this, you come do this, and besides I need to take a bathroom break." And just like that, she had walked out. Leaving me alone with 20 fourth graders, a projector, and a pencil. I shakily walked to the front of the classroom. Then I remembered how horses are, they can smell fear, I figured those kids could too so I immediately pulled myself together and took my place next to the projector.

It was a fairly easy lesson to teach, I just followed the teaching style of Ms. Johnson so as not to confuse them. I did a few problems with them and then gave them a few to do on their own. Only one girl got both of the problems right, but it was their first day with that kind of math so I'll cut them some slack haha. But, overall, it was a wonderful teaching experience.

I also met Ethan Starkweather for the first time. Ethan is the kid from Extreme Makeover who has been diagonosed with Prader-Willi. He was such a happy, smily kid but I felt for him everytime he asked Ms. Johnson if it was lunch time yet. I can't fathom having that kind of disease. In case you don't know what Prader-Willi is it is an extremely rare genetic disorder. It causes low muscle tone, labored speech, trouble breathing, and because of a malfunctioning hypothalamus, a constant feeling of extreme hunger

I had the best Valentine's Day that I've ever had. Recently I have started reading thepioneerwoman.com. It's a blog that is written by someone who cooks, homeschools, photographs, and gets up at 4 every morning to work the ranch. She has recently published a cookbook and Lucas got me her cookbook for V-Day. We chose some recipes from the book, lasagna and blackberry cobbler, and made them for dinner. We also watched the olympics for a while. It was wonderful getting to spend that time with him. The food was amazing and we did a wonderful job cooking it. However, the blackberry cobbler "cooked" for 1.5 hours instead of just 1. That's what happens when the oven isn't on for the first 45 minutes. Go me. =( Lucas didn't even laugh at me. haha. Good thing to cause I felt ridiculous. But, anways. It was a wonderful Valentine's day mostly because I love my Valentine. I love you Lucas.

-Kristina

Miss Hickey

This week I started my observations with Ms. Johnson's 4th grade class. I'll be with them once a week and I'll teach them at least 8 lessons. I'm so excited. The school that I'm in has fourth graders go to two different classes. Ms. Johnson teaches math and science, and Ms. Rodriquez teaches the reading and social studies. So essentially I have to classes, the 4-1s and the 4-2s, but I will only spend about 20 minutes with the 2's each week. I think that this set up is my dream job. I would absolutely love only teaching math and science to 4th or 5th graders.

The students in my class are wonderful...of course, I've only been with them once. My opinion could change after they get to know me and start acting more like themselves. We'll see in a couple of weeks. When I first got there Miss Johnson let them all ask me questions. It was crazy to see how different they all were just in the questions they asked. I got questions from "What's your favorite color?" to, "Have you ever kissed a boy?" It was fun though and through this I learned most of the 4-1's names. I'll probably never leave the 2's. Oh well.

Something happened while I was there that essentially made me more determine to be a teacher. It showed me what it is I like about being in a classroom. My students are learning multiplication right now, and so they were doing a facts sheet. Facts sheets have 100 multiplication problems on them and the students are timed to see how well they can do. They just recently started doing these like last week and they all keep a progress chart so they can visually see how much they've improved since the last test. After grading their papers, Ms. Johnson asked who had improved. One boy, Avery, improved drastically since the last time they had done it. He raised his hand and had a huge smile on his face. Ms. Johnson walked over to look at his paper and her jaw just dropped. She went through and graded it really fast and found that yes, he really had only missed 19 of them. She immediately hugged him and both were just there smiling for a while. Later, Ms. Johnson told me that on tuesday, two days before, when he had last done it, he had missed 82. She said that was the biggest improvement over two days she had ever seen. She then asked Avery what he had been doing and he said he'd just been studying a lot at home and doing flashcards and stuff.

The point is, I really enjoyed that moment when I saw Avery's face light up because he had done so good. I could actually see how proud of himself he was and how proud Ms. Johnson was of him. I just would like to be a part of those student/teacher moments that are so profound.

Okay. I think that's all.

-Kristina

Why I hate my French class:

Over the past few months, ever since I enrolled in my dreaded French class, I have been nervous/stressed/anxious about going. I had been told by everyone who had taken a class with this professor that she was heartless. She refuses to be happy until she has made each of her students cry. Or until she has called you out in front of the class and attacked you for either your personal beliefs or your wrong answer to a question. I was determined to not let her effect me. I was planning on being strong and keeping a good attitude and just letting her hurtful words slide off my back. Well. That all changed Tuesday.

It started like any other class. We reviewed the readings we read, her correcting our mistakes and then we all settled in for her lecture. Her lectures skip around like crazy and so it's very hard to follow and keep up with her fast French and crazy teaching style. But I was doing okay. It was 20ish minutes into class and I had taken a page and a half of notes already. I felt good about what I was learning and felt like I was keeping up very well. And then. It happened. She said, "Quel est la raison pour laquel le guerre civile americain commence, Katrina?" Which means, "Why did the American civil war start, Katrina?" Like everyone else in the room I looked around for Katrina. There are only 8 people in our class and I didn't remember anyone being named Katrina. After a few awkward seconds of silence my eyes settled on my professor. My heart sank when I realized she was talking to me. "Moi?" I asked. "Oui, tu es Katrina." I hesitated in responding that my name was Kristina. And that was when she tore into me. I'm going to loosely translate what she then said.

"Katrina it is very important for you to pay attention during class. It says in the syllabus that class participation is a huge part of your grade and if you don't pay attention you will fail."

She went on for literally 5 more minutes about how I need to pay attention or fail and blah blah blah. Now. Let me say, when I get mad, I cry. That's how I am. So as she goes on and on, I'm getting more and more angry because she is making me look awful, and she is talking to me with zero respect, in front of my whole class. I could feel the tears pushing at the back of my eyes but I wasn't going to let her win. She didn't deserve that. Finally she stopped griping and looked at me for an answer. I replied, in French, that the civil war started because men were fighting for equality.

After making a spectacle about my poor French, she informs me that the civil war was an economical war, surprising me and probably everyone else in the class. She said that people in the North were paying their employees and people in the south weren't. Therefore, the civil war was more about economics than it was about equality. I can't begin to describe how much more angry this made me. Essentially, I felt like no matter how you look at it, the civil was about equality. Even if you look at it economically it was about equality in economics. So, after being attacked and laughed at by her, I quietly went back to taking notes.

About ten minutes later, she asks another question. Which she also directs towards Katrina. Now, if someone is going to give me a new name, they can't expect me to learn it in 10 minutes. So again, I look around. This time I get another 5 minute speech about how I shouldn't look to other people for answers. I kindly tell her that my name is Kristina. She doesn't care. She just wanted an answer. I answered her question...which of course was wrong. And now I can't hold back the tears anymore. As I sat and stewed I got more and more mad and more and more frustrated. I couldn't believe that I was sitting in class crying because of her. I was ashamed and frustrated with myself. Class ended eventually, with her asking me if I was going to pay more attention next week. I told her yes and then rushed out of there.

I honestly don't know how I'm going to show my face in that class again. Please pray for me over the rest of the semester. I still have to go 25 more times or so.

Moral of the story: No matter how much I pay attention, I won't answer a question directed to Katrina.

-Kristina

My classes

It's been a few days and I said I'd talk about my classes...which I never did. So here ya go. Now you can know what I do all day haha.

My chemistry class is pretty easy. I was a little concerned about it to begin with but it's specifically for elementary education majors. So essentially we just do experiments and see how they relate to PASS science objectives. Last week we played with liquid nitrogen. This week we had to compare things using balances...pretty easy stuff.

Math for the Elementarty Child is a really sucky class. My professor just rambles a lot and she is strict in what she wants us to do with our classes that we observe. It's like she doesn't understand that we have to do whatever the teacher is teaching for the week. We can't just enter into a classroom and do what we want with it. But that's okay. This class is also really a pedagogy class. Unfortunately, I'm not learning anything pedagogical. If that's even a word...

Science for the Elementary Child is really fun. I really like the professor and I've learned a whole lot in the few classes that I have had with her. We seem to just do a lot of projects in this class too but it makes sense because she is trying to teach us how to teach science. It's also a pedagogy class but I'm actually learning.

Advanced French would be okay except for my professor. I'm really not sure how I'll make it through the semester with her. I think I'll be okay if I just remember that her personal opinion of me doesn't matter. I just have to pass the class. So I just need to stay caught up and do the work. It'll be okay.

Lastly I have Math Concepts and Reasoning. We are basically just relearning concepts that we learned in Elementary School. So, it's inceredibly easy because it's basically just a review. It's good though. I definitely need that review if I'm going to be teaching elementary kids things that I haven't learned in 10 years.

So, those are my classes. I think right now I'm doing pretty good...but ask me again in 3 or 4 weeks and see where I stand.

I don't really have a lot that's too interesting to blog about. So that's all for now.

-Kristina

Science biography

For my Science for the Elementary Child class I had to write a biography of my past experiences with science, and how that will shape my view of science in the future and now. So...here it is:

“You did not do any work to complete your science project; therefore your grade is a zero.” Those words are the first real memories I have of science. I was in sixth grade and had spent the last 3 months going outside every day and measuring rainfall, wind speed, temperature, and barometric pressure. Because the science fair was in February, that meant I had froze every time I stepped outside to take measurements. After three long months of measurements I compiled graphs, tables, hypothesis and conclusions and turned in my report. I felt a huge weight lift off of my chest. I no longer had to worry about standing outside in the wind, rain, and freezing temperatures just to get a couple of measurements. Two weeks later, my teacher gave me my grade: 0%. At twelve years old I had never received a grade lower than a 90%. This absolutely crushed me and brought me to tears. I hardly even looked at my paper because I was so upset. My mom was more upset than I was and encouraged me to talk to my teacher the next day. I was nervous, and scared, but I obliged.
“Mrs. Wilson,” I said, “why did I get a zero on my report when I did everything I was supposed to?” That’s when she said those fateful words: that I didn’t do any work and so I deserved a zero. I didn’t understand. How could I have wasted all of that time? I argued that I’d been working on my project for three months while everyone else had probably thrown theirs together the night before. “I know that’s not true Kristina,” she said, “Your report says that you just got the measurements off the internet. That’s not doing any work.” I had never felt more humiliated. I did too do work. Did she even read my paper? I fought back tears and told her that I had gone outside every day to take those measurements. She then took my paper back at it and glanced at the first page. Her eyes filled with surprise, “Oh,” she said, “I must have gotten you confused with someone else.” I watched her take her red pen out of a desk and change my grade from a 0 to a 100%. Since that day, I have hated science.
Looking back I realize that such a small event probably should not have changed my view on science forever. But I was so young that it affected me tremendously. Maybe because of my attitude towards science, or maybe because my teachers really were awful, I had bad experiences with science throughout the rest of my secondary education. In seventh grade, my class did nothing but definitions. We had lists of hundreds of words that we would have to memorize every month and take huge tests over. While I realize that it’s important to know what words mean, an overload of definitions will cause you to remember very little. The only thing that I remember from this class is a sentence to help us remember the chemical formula for sulfuric acid: Johnny isn’t with us anymore, because what he thought was H2O was really H2So4.
My teacher in 8th grade was the most ditzy person I have ever met. When asked if she really burned her hair off her response was, “Well, I don’t think so. Everyone always asks me that though so maybe I did.” The only thing I really remember was that there is a crater on the moon named Billy. Her husband’s name was Billy and throughout the whole moon unit she told us every day about how her husband has a crater. Ninth grade was the worst yet. My teacher had taught kindergarten for several years before my class and we were his first secondary class. He knew very little about science and every day we would watch a movie and take notes. We’d have to turn in ten facts that we didn’t know before. This wouldn’t have been so bad except we would watch the same movie for a week at a time; everyday starting over at the beginning. Tenth grade was the last year that I took science before coming to college. My teacher was known for being a pervert and I was not excited to take this class. On several occasions he made me do pushups for talking. One time I refused because I had on a low cut shirt and I wasn’t going to lean down in front of him. His response was, “well we can go to the back corner and I’ll just watch you.” I ended up getting detention because I still refused.
In all the situations that I have found myself not liking science, it has been related to the teacher. Since coming to TU I have really enjoyed the few science classes that I have taken. My professors have been excited about their subject; they aren’t just teaching because they have to. I think that it is incredibly important for teachers to love what they are doing. If the teacher doesn’t show interest in their subject...why should the children? I also think that hands-on science is the best possible way of teaching science. Even though I had bad experiences with science, I always made A’s and B’s. I think that shows that, essentially, it was the teacher that I didn’t like, not the subject.
My definition of science is that it is the study of everything. Science covers so many different subjects and so many different ideas. Since it is a study, I truly believe that a student must actively study during the study of science. This means that students have to do experiments and see things that are happening to fully understand and appreciate the scientific world. This semester I am taking two science classes. I was so worried about this before because I wasn’t a science fan. However, both science classes are showing me the fun and interesting side of science, the side that all students should see at a young age.

First Day of School

It's so crazy how many first days of schools you have throughout college. It almost makes me miss high school and only having to be nervous once a year, instead of 3 or 4 times a semester. Oh well. It'll be done before too long.

I only have one class on MWF. It's called Standards Based Chemistry and we don't even have a book for the class. That's kinda exciting I suppose. Except it means that I have to be at class instead of just reading the book at home haha. The worst part is the time. 8 am. Blah. It's amazing to me how much time I had to do things after class. I took a nap and went to the store and got stuff ready for my event tonight. It was crazy. I'm so not used to having this much time in a day.

Tonight I have my first neighbor night of this semester. It's a coloring contest and I'm hoping that at least one person will come. That will make my trip to Target worth it at least.

I don't have a lot today. I'll have more tomorrow I'm sure after I have 4 new classes. Eek.

-Kristina

one more resolution

It's crazy to me that you can be such goods friends with someone for so long and then suddenly it's like you were never friends. It almost feels like it's an overnight thing. I've really struggled my whole life to have close girl friends. There have only been one or two that I have seriously felt like I could come to with anything. Throughout most of high school, my closest friends were guy friends. I felt like they caused so much less drama, and, I was such a tomboy that I felt like I fit in a lot better with them. I was so blessed to have some amazing guys as friends. And somehow, my boyfriends throughout high school tended to not be bothered by the fact that I spent most of my time with other guys. When I was a senior, that changed. Partly because as you get older, relationships tend to become more and more serious. But, as a senior, I was dumped by a boy because he didn't think I should care so much about my best friend, who was a boy, who was going through a rough patch in his life.

At the time I was angry. He'd understood for so long and then suddenly he didn't like me being friends with him anymore. I blew it off as jealousy. And I believed it was jealousy and him being ridiculous until I got out of high school. Well, to be honest, until recently. Throughout my senior year, and the summer after, I continued being friends with all the boys, and very few girls. I didn't really see anything wrong with it. I wasn't doing anything wrong and at least I had friends.

As I went into a relationship with Lucas I struggled to maintain my friendships but also be in a committed relationship. It was very hard for me to not see it as jealousy on his part. And, to be fair, it probably was a tad bit of jealousy. But now, finally, I'm realizing that it really isn't okay anymore. A teenage girl in high school can run around with guys all she wants. But I think that after high school, she should start finding some friends of her own sex. It doesn't look good to anyone if someone spends their free time with someone other than their boyfriend.

I'm writing this mostly because I need prayer, but also because I needed to understand my own feelings. I finally understand the huge desire and need I have in my life for good Christian female friends. I've gone through the last couple of years blowing people off, pushing friends away, and just not doing great at seeking people out. I think deep down it was me being selfish, if I couldn't have guy friends, I wasn't going to have any friends. I didn't want to deal with the drama of girls. So, in short, I've had basically zero friends. I've stupidly thought that I could do it on my own. I thought I had Lucas and that'd be enough. But let's face it, there are some things that girls need to discuss amongst themselves, sans boyfriend.

So the prayer I need: please pray for me to find some amazing Christian female friends. I need that now. So, New Year's Resolution number 4: Start searching for friends instead of expecting them to come to me.

-Kristina