It's crazy to me that you can be such goods friends with someone for so long and then suddenly it's like you were never friends. It almost feels like it's an overnight thing. I've really struggled my whole life to have close girl friends. There have only been one or two that I have seriously felt like I could come to with anything. Throughout most of high school, my closest friends were guy friends. I felt like they caused so much less drama, and, I was such a tomboy that I felt like I fit in a lot better with them. I was so blessed to have some amazing guys as friends. And somehow, my boyfriends throughout high school tended to not be bothered by the fact that I spent most of my time with other guys. When I was a senior, that changed. Partly because as you get older, relationships tend to become more and more serious. But, as a senior, I was dumped by a boy because he didn't think I should care so much about my best friend, who was a boy, who was going through a rough patch in his life.
At the time I was angry. He'd understood for so long and then suddenly he didn't like me being friends with him anymore. I blew it off as jealousy. And I believed it was jealousy and him being ridiculous until I got out of high school. Well, to be honest, until recently. Throughout my senior year, and the summer after, I continued being friends with all the boys, and very few girls. I didn't really see anything wrong with it. I wasn't doing anything wrong and at least I had friends.
As I went into a relationship with Lucas I struggled to maintain my friendships but also be in a committed relationship. It was very hard for me to not see it as jealousy on his part. And, to be fair, it probably was a tad bit of jealousy. But now, finally, I'm realizing that it really isn't okay anymore. A teenage girl in high school can run around with guys all she wants. But I think that after high school, she should start finding some friends of her own sex. It doesn't look good to anyone if someone spends their free time with someone other than their boyfriend.
I'm writing this mostly because I need prayer, but also because I needed to understand my own feelings. I finally understand the huge desire and need I have in my life for good Christian female friends. I've gone through the last couple of years blowing people off, pushing friends away, and just not doing great at seeking people out. I think deep down it was me being selfish, if I couldn't have guy friends, I wasn't going to have any friends. I didn't want to deal with the drama of girls. So, in short, I've had basically zero friends. I've stupidly thought that I could do it on my own. I thought I had Lucas and that'd be enough. But let's face it, there are some things that girls need to discuss amongst themselves, sans boyfriend.
So the prayer I need: please pray for me to find some amazing Christian female friends. I need that now. So, New Year's Resolution number 4: Start searching for friends instead of expecting them to come to me.
-Kristina
