Selfishness

Over the past few years I've noticed what a selfish person I am when it comes to relationships. I always expect more from the other person than I am willing to give. I never want to be the one that invites, I want to be invited. I don't want to call, I want to be called. I don't know why I am like that. As a child/teenager I struggled trusting and opening up to people. I think my 8th grade year hardened me the most. I had my first boyfriend in 8th grade. And with boyfriends come drama. So, because this boy was in my close circle of friends, I lost friends. It's weird to me to look back and see how many friendships of mine were ruined because I wanted to hold his hand. They thought I was moving too fast and so I was shoved out of the group. Ironic since most of them had been having boyfriends since 4th and 5th grade. Also in 8th grade I lost my small group leader, my soccer coach, and my favorite band director. All of these people left with no legitimate reason and I was hurt. These were the people that I trusted more than anything. So, in turn, I closed myself off to people.

Today I struggle with opening up to people. I complain about not having friends when it's essentially my fault because I don't always want to talk to them. It was always so different with Lucas. I could always open up to him. Even in high school I'd come to him with all my problems that I couldn't bring to anyone else. Sure, I had other boyfriends in high school, but they only saw my tough side. The side that didn't cry. The side that didn't care if they called or not. The side that didn't rely on anyone for anything. When me and Lucas began dating I continued to open up to him. I remember feeling so liberated to be in a relationship where I could actually trust the other person. I could completely open up and show him my emotional crazy side and he wouldn't hit the door running.

Unfortunately, I made a huge mistake. I thought that was enough. I completely opened myself to him and I thought that would show him that I love him. Couldn't he see that I treated him so much differently and cared about him so much more than anyone else I had ever been with? Well, see, the thing is, he can't. He wasn't there in my other relationships. He didn't know how I acted when I was alone with other boys. He didn't know that I had cried only once in the presence of another boy, and that cry had essentially gotten me dumped. He didn't know that in high school I refused to go to dinner with boys, fearful of what they would think when they realized how much I ate. haha. Silly me. Lucas was special. But me acting different was only showing myself that he was special, not him.

Recently I was challenged to read a book. And by recently I mean about two hours ago. This book is about showing a women what it is that men need to feel loved. I spent the last hour reading it. And I didn't just read. I want to learn from it so I also took notes. I've decided that I'm going to go on a little love dare of my own making. Each chapter of this book focuses on different things that are important to men. There are seven different "revelations" that the author brings to share with women and I am going to do my best to spend the next seven weeks working on those seven things. The book is really written for married couples, so I haven't quite figured out what I'll do during the sex chapter week. But that's okay. I'll work it out when it comes haha.

I really want to take the focus off of my needs in this relationship. The book emphasizes that if he is getting what he needs, he will inevitably be giving me what I needs. Men long for respect, which shows them love. Women long for love, which shows them respect. It's a difficult concept to understand but this week I plan on working hard at showing him that I respect him, even when I am struggling to feel loved.

Anyways. I really should sleep. I just couldn't sleep until I got some of my thoughts out of my head and "down on paper" so to speak. The good news is I still have 5 hours until I have to wake up.

-Kristina